Living in Peru : your everyday companion

Rosa is eighty-eight years old. Bastian is one; and there are a bunch of us in between. We have a multi-generational home. Actually, four generations were, until recently, under our roof. Now, Rosa is in the hospital.

This living arrangement is something new for me, and it requires a big adjustment on my part, one I don’t always do successfully. I’m used to something different; the small family model where everybody pretty much takes care of themselves. I have to remind myself that this is Peru, not the United States. I have learned that there is a major difference in our cultural values: independence versus the welfare of the group.

In fact, reflecting on this, I have realized that it is rare these days for a household in the U.S. to contain four generations as ours does in Peru. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the trend is completely in the opposite direction, strongly towards people living alone. Part of being an American, it seems to me, is the value of self-reliance. Consequently, an important aspect of our culture is to be alone and independent. We are a nation of loners. It is true that from an early age, it is part of our training. Our children are taught to do things for themselves, and we are proud when they do so.

This characteristic is powerful. Let me give you an example: my mother, also eighty-eight, the same age as Rosa, fiercely fought for her right to live on her own even after it was clear that it was dangerous to do so. In the same vein, our children look forward to growing up and moving away from the family home to college or to join the services or just to get an apartment on their own. That doesn’t happen very often in Peru.

Therefore, we Americans do value our independence above all else. We love that precious time when we are alone, “doing our thing.” That is the way I grew up, too. For me, I still love being alone, reading and writing, both solitary activities that often don’t blend so well with the needs of a multi-generational household.

However, there is a price for this independence: isolation. When we do need help, where do we turn? That life of self-reliance only works so far, especially when we get older. Maybe we Americans have to rethink things and look for some changes in our values. We could learn something about this from other cultures.

In my home, we now see the two extreme sides of life: the beginning and the ending, both requiring extensive support from the family. As Bastian grows, adding more physical and intellectual skills to his life, we see Rosa, his great grandma, going the opposite direction. Little by little she is losing all the things that Bastian is acquiring. He is learning to walk; she is losing that ability. He is learning to talk; she sometimes can’t communicate clearly. All his systems are on the development mode; he gets stronger and healthier every day. For Rosa, all hers are in the process of shutting down, and every day she gets weaker.

Under our roof, I have observed both processes. It is a daily reminder to me of the inevitable ebb and flow of life.


Larry J. Pitman is a college professor and writer who moved to Peru in 2005. He is part of the Peru Writers Group. Read his essays every Monday at LivinginPeru.com.

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5 Comments

# Lucia Vera says :
4 July, 2011 [ 12:08 ]

Dear Mrs. Larry:

That is true that American and European people appreciate to live alone since they are very young and try to live on their own way, to have their own experience and as you could see in Latin American culture is not common to see that.. you will find many generations into a one house....and as you say we can appreciate the olf family become weak and loose many skills while young people are growing up looking their old parents tuning off little by little and both of them needs from each other to survive, to continue, to mature, to grow.....
Some foreign people realize that point you say on your comment but others think that it is not good and stupid way to live...May be to be part of this could make them understand why we live together old parents with young and new borned members of the family.

Family is very important for our society and it is the core where our society performs and act. May be we must learn too from your culture, because sometimes a bit of indpendence to our children , help them to be prepared for life.

Sincerily
Lucia Vera

# prat glass says :
4 July, 2011 [ 12:10 ]

I have great respect for Larry's essays.

# alex jesus camacho nuñez says :
5 July, 2011 [ 08:34 ]

he is right! i agre with him! american an europeans aver very independent and cold! as a result, their society is very develop! they progress and sucess very fast! they gain and learn experiences since they are childs! latin america is less develop and very afective! i aprreciate!  it!s the true!

# jimmy says :
6 July, 2011 [ 04:32 ]

My Peruvian in-laws love to meddle in our marriage, how to raise the kids, where to live, what kind of work to do.  Cousins, aunts, uncles, plus the wife's parents and siblings all want a say.  Our marriage became strained, the stress unbelievable. 

So we moved 3000 miles away from them and are much better for it.  You can keep the Peruvian interfering relatives.  My own American relatives tend to mind their own business.

# Eddie Evans says :
14 July, 2011 [ 01:24 ]

Well said by all.  But keep in mind that when we leave this earth life, our cares about jobs and things and money will cease.   It will all be about relationships.   And when I first lived in Peru in 1972, I was deeply impacted by the demonstrations of family affection and caring.  Grandchildren grew up with the influence of grandparents daily and learned respect for their elders. 
And for us Americans when did you ever attend a birthday party where all the uncles, aunts and cousins came and their was dancing and food a plenty?
Perhaps many Peruvians have the edge on us when it comes to what is important....good family relationships.

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